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2007/3/13 VERY SUNNY DAYS HERE AND PAUL IS DOING VERY GOODTHANK YOU EVERYONE!!!!...................THE LUNG IS OK FOR NOW MAYBE
NEED ANOTHER TUBE PUT IN IT, BUT GOOD NEWS IS FRIENDS HAVE
BEEN COMING TO VISIT PAUL, AND THAT IS MAKING HIS SPIRIT BETTER.
I HAVE DELETED THE COMA PICTURE BECAUSE HE DOES NOT LOOK LIKE
THAT ANYMORE. HE HAS A NICE HAIR CUT AND SHAVE. HE IS BEING MOVED
TODAY TO THE SIXTH FLOOR OF HOSPITAL... IT HAS A FANTASTIC VIEW
AND IS HIS PRIVATE ROOM JUST FOR HIM. HIS ARMS AND LEGS STILL DO
NOT MOVE, BUT THEY PLAN TO START WORKING ON HIS MUSCLE STRENGTH.
TOMORROW IS THE "BIG DAY" TO SEE IF HE PASSES ALL TESTS AND CAN
EAT AND DRINK.......HE IS PRAYING FOR THIS! HIS KIDNEYS IS ALL GOOD
NOW PEE IS JUST FINE. HE IS THE ONLY PERSON IN HISTORY THAT EVER
RECOVERED FROM THIS PROPOFOL INFUSION SYDROM AND HIS CASE
WILL BE USED TO HELP OTHERS IN FUTURE.
I OF CORSE AND SO HAPPY,
MY SISTER WILL LIVE WHAT EVER HAPPENS TO HER IN JAIL
BUT I WORRY ABOUT LITTLE JOEY. HAVE NOT HEARD ANYTHING YET ABOUT
WHAT THEY ARE GOING TO DO WITH HIM.
I TODAY FOUND OUT THE MAILING INFORMATION FOR MY SISTER AND
WILL MAIL HER LETTER AND SOME MONEY TOMORROW.
I APPRECIATE ALL YOUR SUPPORT, AND PRAYERS AND YES POSSITIVE THINKING
IS THE ANSWER TO EVERYTHING ......I BELIEVE IN MIRACLES AND POWER OF
EACH OF US. WE ARE ALL JUST "one' ALL MY BEST AND LOVE LINDA 2007/3/8 They took the nose tube out and put it back in and punctured his left lungHe was in good spirits but then they took out his nose tube and made a hole in his left lung,
so he has surgery tonight to drain and inflate it back.....he is sleeping now so came home.
The collapsed lung they say is very rare to happen.... IS paul going to get all the rare things?
I think this could of been avoided but the nurse was in too big a hurry calling out for help
nobody came to help her.... so she just said to me" he need his meds" and she yanked it out!
yes I was there at the time. It was exrayed and was clear just needed to be pushed in several
inches, If she would of gone get help , none of this would of happen. She was having a bad day.....
Paul also claims he was dropped last night onto the floor and hurt his knee and hit his head.
I have got the physical therapist to agree he does not need to be lifted into the chair, that
she can work on him sitting straight up in bed. So then they do not have to lift him
until they move him to another floor, I pray.
Seems like each shift of people are all new and do not know what they are doing, and over
worked and the place is a big mess supplies everywhere, no organization.
So after 35 days this is life in the Intensive Care Unit, I have seen alot! two died today.
understaffed, confussed people running around with out a clue it seems to me.
I just want to get him out of there and into his own room.
they say anyday.... but his suctioning of his trek is the draw back cause he has lots of muccus in his
lungs still.
My sister got arrested at the park for an old five year old warrant... they took her to another
city where it happened, she had no way to call to have little Joey picked up... and when nobody
came the Social Workers took him. We are trying to get him back. Looks good nothing wrong at house
or with his life there, just because Felix is not his biological father is why they took him, but gosh
he has had him for four years........and the pain it is putting his sister, my neice threw is so sad
she is 14 , lost her mom , and brother in one day.
But, I think he will be returned soon, and my sister had that problem weighing on her shoulder
for all this time, so it will be cleared up and she will not have anything to fear.
Do not know how long she will be gone yet........she said on phone maybe three months.
But has not been to court yet.
I am rattling on here. This is my life this week. I am home going to bed now, tired but still
think god works in mysterious ways they say, well I think all will work out for the best.
Paul will survive this small set back, he was laughing today, you can almost here what he says
some words I can understand if you get up close to him.
Goodnight , Sorry I am not checking out your spaces.... I know you have wonderful things going on
and I am interested in you also.
sending love over the internet. Peace 2007/3/4 MIRACLES BUDDING SOON TOO BLOOMTHERE HAVE BEEN NURSES THAT HAVE COME BACK FROM A WEEK AGO AND
CRIED... TEARS OF UNBELIEF AND JOY.
THIS IS SO WONDERFUL, pAUL IS GOING TO BE MOVED TO A LESS ICU LEVEL.
NOT SO CRITICALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
HE IS PUSHING HIMSELF SO MUCH, THATS THE KIND OF GUY HE IS
HE SETS UP NOW AND INSISTS ON DOING IT FOR VERY LONG TIMES
HE IS TRYING TO EXERCISE HIS BODY BACK.
HE SMILES A COUPLE OF TIMES
HE IS THRISTY LIKE CRAZY FOR WATER AND THEY LET ME GIVE HIM A LITTLE
STICK WITH A SPONGE ON THE END, AND i DIP IT IN WATER AND LET HIM SUCK IT...
BUT WE CHEATED AND SNEAKED HIM A FEW SMALL DRINKS AND HE LIVED.
WWE DO NOT WANT HIM TO ASPERATE AND CHOKE...... i TELL HIM i DO NOT
PLAN TO KILL YOU OFF AFTER ALL WE BEEN THREW.......
IT WAS A PEACEFUL DAY FELT ALMOST LIKE MYSELF BUT BETTER , YES BETTER.
FULL OF LIFE. I LOVE LIFE.LIFE IS SO DANG WONDERFUL!
YES THE WHITE OWLS ARE STILL LIVING IN THE PALM TREE ACROSS THE STREET.
WHAT AN UNUSUAL SOUND THEY MAKE CONSTANTLY AS THEY FLY.
SANJANA MY FRIEND SHE SENT TO ME THIS WONDERFUL STORY, I WILL PASS IT ON
TO PEOPLE.........INFACT SO MANY OF YOU ARE UP TO SOME PRETTY WONDERFUL AND
INTERESTING THINGS , i CAN NOT KEEP UP. i AM PROUD OF YOU ALL.
LET THE GOOD TIMES ROLL................................LOVE LINDA AND BIG KISSES.
GOOD NIGHT. 2007/2/21 they asked me to take him off and let him die todaythis is so awful, they say he is brain dead and paralized
but I see so much movement,
I told him he must fight to make his mind come alive
I told him togather we are one, a team and I will help
him make his mind work.
His mother wants me to do this..... how can she it is only 20 days
can we not give him some more time to prove he is no aware.
I am so afraid
I went to the neighbor hood bar to talk to our roommate,
and of course they bought me drink.
he says he is going to move....
so then I had another drink
then I threw up
an artist neighborhood man drove me home
I just woke up and I am dressed and remember how I talked along time
about things with paul to him, he lost his wife a year ago
it is not fair.
I am a mess this morning, I feel just awful.
I also have a toothache for the last week and that hurts
everything hurts.
all I want is Paul.
I have to drive to another city to get my patch for my arm
that will take four hours round trip
I just do not have the strenght today... maybe I could do that tomorrow
but I need my pain medicine.
I live in alot of physical pain and If I do not have the medicine
I am unable to function......got to get it togather and wash my face
and try again today ..........thank you for your support it is very helpful to me
I get lonely. Love from me 2007/2/19 the doctors cried as they told me to prepare myself.I love Paul with every breath I take.....
when I go to the hosptial they told me as they all cried, to
prepare myself he problibly will not make it.
I never had even pasted my thoughts that he will not recover.
I have be possitive and believe in the powers of a person and prayes
I ask again for your prays..........
I could not stay at hospital I came home to cry.
they want him just to sleep today
the poison is doing its number on him,
it takes out the kidneys and liver then brain.
I am sure he heard me the last two days.
But the doctors day he is not responding nerologically.
I do not want him paralized, he would not want that.
I will just have to see each day. AND I WILL NEVER DOUBT HE WILL GET BETTER AND OK.
BLESS YOU ALL SO MUCH. IT GETS LONELY HERE. i TOOK THE DOG OUT FOR A SHORT TIME
BUT I AM SO ALONE IT FEELS LIKE. THANK GOD FOR YOU PEOPLE.
OK I AM GOING TO DRINK A BEER AND LAYDOWN FOR AWHILE. AND PRAY A BUNCH. 2007/2/17 the hole they put in his throat went well todayHi, I just got home , was all day at hospital, going to eat something now.
he was awake most of the day, they have him on the littlest amount of pain
medicinces to keep his toxins down from the Propofol reaction.....
He made it , it looked pretty gruesome after the surgery, but he was
breathing on his own, and making natural gagging and moving his mouth
which is what they were afraid of because he has been none moving.
So tomorrow is another day, I just about fainted his upper lip is blood red
and swollen and his tonge from the tube in so long.
I know he will feel better tomorrow, more comfortable.
so thats it for now. thankyou for all you kindness and prayers. Love Linda
goodnight 2007/2/14 update today valentines dayhi everyone, I was at hospital 8 hours again. his eyes are open but none responsive
they are going to do another brain scan. told me to get a lawyer for power of attorney
that is two thousand dollars. I can not forge his checks it is illegal.
they are putting the hole in his throat for sure and taking out his tube.
they are putting in two new places to draw blood and to do the dialisis because
his has colapsed problibly from so long of use. I am home now going to try get
some sleep. God Bless all of you. Pray for Paul that he has use of his brain and
limbs. His breathing is fine, and blood pressure ..... the poison count has come
down but they said that because he has not recovered expect this to be long term....
today is the 16th and this is update. they just called and want to give blood transfusion
because he has low white cells to fight off virus, he does have fever, and anamonia
in his lungs (gosh I should look up the spelling of that word) today is day they put the
hole in his throat so they can remove the tube that has been there. The tube is
effecting his vocal cords so the tube must come out.
somepeople say they can not see my space... weird.
a special thanks to stephen , daffy, and andy........shannon is sweet keeps sending me
various messages about the war, or games to play. spoke to lizard king on line for a
few minutes. Rama has been so helpful with her wise words.
I got really good sleep last night getting ready now to go to hospital again.
and Kat she sends messages ocassionally and I adore her also.
Peace and love life it is precious and so beautiful.
Ron also has written several times and I think that is so nice.
OK enough I am off. Love you all LInda 2007/2/10 very bad newspaul is worst he is one of the worst cases of Propofol infusian sydrom in history.
www.pubmed.gov will tell more about this. he should be at 300 he is over 8,000
he is in very worst condition. I am trying to get a priest to come pray for him now.
going back to hospital I am scared to death.
update: I was at hospital until 10pm last night because his heartrate was like he was running a race
it lasted for many hours and his blood pressure was at 70 and it needs to be like 90.... finally
they put some calcium drip on him and it brought his blood pressure up to 85 and he finally
stopped breathing so hard after they suctioned out his ventulator tube three times.
so I came home to get some rest ... it is now 8am and I am going back now.
I did get two different priests to pray over him.
He did wake up yesterday and his eyes peeked open for twenty minutes.
he is getting better in that direction that he may wake up soon..... be he is trying so hard to wake up that
he starts breathing way too hard and so they gave him sedation to relax him.... they do not want to
do that because then just more chemicals are in his blood stream that his liver and kidneys are not
able to get rid of. He is on a three hour dialiasis machine today to clean his kidneys, his pee is looking
better not the color of black tea... more normal yesterday.
If he wakes up it is good, but the poison is still in his muscle mass and his body so we hope that
the chemical propofol will slowly leave his body, because they caught it maybe in time? this is unknown.
so until that is out of him he will continue to break down and cause damage in his body.
I would like to talk to him and know he is awake.... maybe today.
he has been breathing now four days on his own they may take the tube out soon if he wakes up.
Nobody, or doctors seems to know much about this problem because it is so rare... been threw the years
only about 16 cases worldwide, and they were all fatal. So leave it to my husband to make history!
He will be written up in the medical journals due to the rareness of this.
Thank you everyone for writting to me it is a comfort.... and I am basically alone. Me the dog and two cats for comfort.
I do not know what happened to Sanjana she has not written in along time, I pray she is ok
I miss Mazi also. Daffy is a Queen is is always dependable to be there when you need a comforting word.
well bye now Love Linda 2007/2/7 Some good news. Pauls tests all came out goodOk it is Friday , they put him on dialasis machine, his kidneys stopped working,
they tell me that he was allergic to the paralizing medicine they gave him,
and they damaged his liver. His liver is not releasing the toxins. He is breathing on his
own not for two days, but he has not woke up, they maybe give him another brain
scan if he does not wake up. two days ago they stopped giving him any pain killers
or seditives. He has damage to his muscles from the seizure and the medicine he was
allergic too. So I have to find out more about this, it ripped his muscles and I do not
understand this part. The dialasis machine is not the answer the doctor said, it is
the problem with the kidneys being now damaged, he came in with good kidneys
and the damage in his muscles. So I will have to find out more information on this
I just came home to get the dog. Going back to hospital now.
They want me to try and wake him up, I am doing alot of talking to him.
IT is 11:30 pm things look good, the seizure was caused
by toxins from all the strong medicines they had him on
the brain scan came back good. They took him off all
pain medicines and are flushing them out of his body
they are waking him up, he is doing almost all the
breathing himself... they told me to leave the hospital
so I will rush back in morning they let you in at 8:30am
he should be awake then, it all goes good threw the
night. So I am really feeling good about his recovery
now. Tomorrow is an 8 and that is his number,
so he should do great tomorrow, thank god. I just
know he is going to be ok. love you all. goodnight.
isn't that good his tests are all fine. They are taking him
out of the coma, and just sedating Paul,
and they are going to try again to have him do
part of his own breathing. He is still not awake.
tomorrow morning when I go in I hope to hear
he is breathing more on his own. That would make
me very happy. Then I pray soon he will be awaken.
A day by day waiting....
His mom made it back from the southpole
so she is here at his sisters house.
I will sleep better tonight, gosh I been tired.
Ok new upday...... today he was breathing on his own
and they were letting him wake up and he had
as seizure while I was holding his head and talking
with him. So he is getting a CT scan of him brain
today and a spinal tap. So I am home resting for two
hours they will not know any thing for a few
hours. They still if looks good will try to wake
him up later tonight, or tomorrow.
all depends on the tests.
The cats and my dog are sleeping with me and
keeping me comforted. So that's the update.
Oh, and my son called from Kentucky so that made me
feel so good. All my thanks to you my friends, Love ya Linda 2007/2/5 I keep trying to blog but it does not copy it, ooooooooh pooI have written two blogs now , and they do not download. I tried help but there is none
I can fine. My husband is very bad...... no good. Please pray for Paul
OK how about some comfort from my friends OK?????
I need some love guys. I know nobody wants to think bad stuff
cause life is wonderful and we all must have a great life.
But a comforting note is good for me......................  I love life, I love my husband, I love you allHi everyone
giving you update. Still not good. There maybe a second problem
Paul had aorta ultrasound today, and from the readings I looked on computer
in afternoon, it looks like he has a big one. So I rushed back down to hospital
and it was hard but demanded to talk to a doctor. My luck, it was the doctor
that had felt the lumpness in his lower belly , and I explained to him what I think
because of the readings 10cm's and usually 5.5cm is a sign of an Aneurysm
So, the reports had still not come in, but he said sounds like it could be. So , I asked
him to explain what would happen, well he said now that is a second problem and
if it is then they are lucky they discovered it, and later on an operation would need
to be done, meanwhile they would only lower his blood pressure. That the not breathing
is a separate problem, and they can not figure out why he is not responding. Then next
he says they can not do the C. T. scan afterall because he has to be breathing with
the tube out and there are like liquids they put into him to see all that is happening
So he is really at a loss, and the doctors will talk in the morning to
figure out what they will do next.
He is in a coma again, and on total life support. God I just want to
talk to him.... I kiss him and talk to him.
Things do not look so good. He should be responding by now more.
Tomorrow his mother flies in for taking 4 planes to get home
from Argentina, when the ship finally docked. She does not know
how sever this is. I have arranged for a social worker to be there
when she arrives at the hospital. She is 72 and not in that great
health, I worry for her, and her long trip home tonight and tomorrow
there is a 5 hour layover in Washington D.C. Gosh ! I wonder
about the weather there. hmmmmmmmm
So, I am home now. Going to get good sleep so I can really
press the doctors tomorrow for answers Should I ship him off
to Stanford Hospital ( the doctor said they could not do anything
more than they are doing for him now)
I tried to do bills today, there is a withdrawl just today
for 100 dollars from his account, and the card has not been
used since last wednesday, So I emailed the bank, gotta check
on why this is happening.
I called my son in Kentucky, told him I need email support.
Rest, I need rest now. I got a candy bar, and going to fall asleep
to a movie. I did eat in the hospital a healthy salad today with
some fruit.... I got to keep my health up.
starting to run low on cash, there are disability papers that
need to be filled out by Thurday so he gets some money coming in.
I have to smog my car, I paid the license fee but I need to still
smog it the tags just ran out this month.
God I smoked in my mother inlaws car, I got to clean it out
and perfume it up. She'll kill me.
But, that has helped me not to cry, you can not be crying
and driving around.
Pauls sister blow up a nice picture of Pauls dog and taped it
by his bed the dog is is child. hehehe
Goodnight and bless you all. Pray for Paul please he is a
wonderful person. Paul is back in a coma, still not goodToday Paul is in coma again. They did Aoura ultra sonic today , I was there.
The machines are all keeping him alive, he is not breathing on his own again.
They are doing CT sometime today.
So perhaps we will know more tomorrow morning with results.......
I got a nice rest last night and shower this morning so I was not so dead tired.
Took care of money matters, you know bills still need to be paid.
His mother is 72 flying in to san francisco tomorrow afternoon.
She does not know how bad he is exactly, because he is back lapsing some.
So I have arranged for the social worker to be there to help us comfort her.
I am going to rest for a while. Then head back to hospital from 8 to 10 pm
Your prayers are so important. Thank you for sharing your time with me.
ONE THE SAME PEACE AND LOVE , I love life Linda 2007/2/2 MY HUSBAND IS IN ICUmy husband stopped breathing, and is in ICU
I drove home and been at hospital
he is on ventulator . and they gave him paralizing medicine
so he is like in a coma.... could be three days to two weeks
before they let him off of the medicines to see how he does
breathing, if he can breath on his own.
I am very tired now. I love my husband , he is so wonderful
I was thinking what ever he has ever done to upset me
the good things are 10 times more................
Just wanted to let you folks know whats now happening in my life.
My sister inlaw has been very helpful, she is a good woman.
well I will keep you posted. Love from Linda 2006/9/20 Talking about a nonist public service pamphlet..... NOT TO TAKE AWAY FROM STEPHENS BIRTHDAY, i WAS AT MOONS AND SAW THIS.Hello today is 9/22 = all is quiet on my space, just checking in. monday is the big hospital test for me they put the needles in me and electric shock to find problems... hmmmm I will be gone for three days, wednesday is physical theraphy... my birthday is next week and my friend is coming down from mountain and we going to go to thrift shops that seems a fun thing to do ...is what I said I wanted as gift. Going to have a falafle also to eat. will be a nice day love you all bye for now. THE UPS AND DOWNS OF BLOG LAND
2006/8/30 I NEED FURTHER SEARCH GETTING A EMG..............SO THEY JUST CAN NOT FIGURE ME OUT, AND i WAS SO READLY, THEN INMY MIND i SAID NO NO... AND THEN LOOK THIS HAPPENS....MORE TESS GOD WHEN WIL IT STOP? ALSO i NEVER FOLLOWED THREW WITH MY LAST SURGEON (WHO i HATE) SO i HAVE TO TAKE 4 PHYSICAL THERAPIES.... SINCE i CAN NOT DRIVE i WILL HAVE TO HAVE NINA TO HELP ME ON TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN... i WILL STAY WITH HER FOR TWO WEEKS MOST LIKELY TO GET THIS ALL DONE... AT LEAST SHEJUSTOGT HER GENEATOR FIXED SO THERE IS MINIMUM ELECTICITY yEAH! WELL i AM BABYSITTING THE DOG SHE CAN NOT LICK HER SORES...HER SURGERY YESTERDAY COST $2,000 SHE ALMOST DIED... AND IN MORINING AT 6 AM i WILL BE UP TO TAKE SISTER TO HOSPITAL TO GET A PIECE OF GLASS OUT OF HER FOOT. TALK LATER BUT THAT SUMMES IS UP FOR NOW.... WORDS FROM CRAZYLAND l GREEN FOR HEALING. OH AND I FINISHED A MEXICAN TYPE PICTURE...NOT SURE WHAT TO CALL IT YET. no CLICK HERE V Google Image Result for http://www4.umdnj.edu/~campeljv/emg.jpg
2006/8/28 well I am now bedridden, boy it is boring.Green is for healing.........
I have now gone bedridden... each
time I do things I get worst.....
and the pills just hide the pain, and
so when I think I am ok, I am not , the next day I pay, I have less use of my
hands and arms and pain in face,ears, neck and down back.
I had another little cry, but it was from
pain! it takes about an hour for the pain to decrease after I take a triple
dose of pain killers... hmmm
and then I start to nod off and slur
things.
lucky I get to see the surgeon on this
29th .... and hopefully he will set a date
for the operation.
thank god my mother inlaw is coming to help me,
i still have to get her a twin bed so she will be comfortable.
but I am prepared as prepared can be?
I will not be able to get up and answer the messangers, but send if you want , I will get to them eventually, and emails nicecutelindasue@hotmail.com
perhaps my mother inlaw will help me read my mail.... she is very sweet.
My husband he will not... so don't even think he will, he gave me this computer as a toy, and has not been on it EVER... except Ishowed him two drum solos and a cartoon my son made. so three times.
I have no neighbors around or friends near by, so its me and my mother inlaw............forgive me if you write and I do not answer fast....
also I think is easiest to just write here to all of you ... Ihave nothing to hide.
I luv luv luv you all hehe and it will be just fine. I finally heard from Melissa long time since her operation,
shes a babe..... glad she is kicking still she says!!!! and STephen I will read Sassys space... it is easier to read then it is to type. So if you get a hen peck someday realize that little bitty bit is a lot for me.............goodnight now.
kissy and huggy oh I do not want to go..................................best wishes to all and thank you so so much you all make me feel like I really have special friends. OH AND MOON , SHE IS MY CENTER MY BALANCE MY HOME.... SHE IS SO BEAUTIFUL.
ADAM, TAKE CARE HONEY BEAR.
SANJANA NO WORDS CAN SAY HOW i ADORE YOU. SASSY/JER THE BEST PEOPLES IN THE WORLD RICH WITH LOVE. i HATE IT WHEN i SAY CERTAIN NAMES BECAUSE i CARE FOR ALL OF YOU, LIKE DAFFY SHE HAS KEPT ME GOING, GIVEN ME STRENGTH, AND MAZI SHE IS MY PROFOUND PRECIOUS.
IT IS HARD NOT TO MENTION EACH ONE OF YOU INDIVIDUALLY .... ALL THE PEOPLES ON MY BEAUTIFUL LIST ARE SO BEAUTIFUL! 2006/8/5 Talking about Disaster Map , I want to investigate this more very interesting from MOON's space
Disaster Map 2006/7/19 Blood tests and Ultra sound on liver are OK! so that is good newsHI friends , one less problem.... liver got the grade A approval stamp today.
Little bored not much going on today. Weather has been hot, had some nice Cantalope
with dinner.......wanted ice cream hehehe but watching my weight.
Going to watch a movie called Irresistible with susan sarandon and sam neill
a tense psychological drama......love it now because it has cooled down
wrote to my son, and my mother inlaw.
well that is it for today did alot of sleeping this afternoon
think I pop over to Adams real quick for a hello. 2006/7/13 Ok friday morning is my ultra sound and blood tests and doctor support appointment I made... then I spend night in mountains be back saturday Love ya all have a good weekend! oops i have cracked................... 2006/6/19 Paxil an anti~depressant story by Seth Stevenson , I found interesting and glad he revealed his thoughtsExtroverted Like MeHow a month and a half on Paxil taught me to love being shy.By Seth StevensonUpdated Sunday, June 18, 2006, at 8:20 PM ET Slate turns 10 this week, and we're publishing The Best of Slate: A 10th Anniversary Anthology. In celebration of the book and the anniversary, we're publishing (or, rather, re-publishing) a selection of pieces from the anthology, including this article. This article was originally published Jan. 2, 2001. You can see a list of all the republished pieces, as well as everything else we are publishing in honor of the anniversary, here.
I've often wondered what it's like to be outgoing—a social butterfly, an extrovert. That's why TV ads for Paxil caught my eye. You've seen them: They promise ease in a pill. An end to social anxiety. Does my degree of shyness warrant medication? It was enough to make me want to see what life was like without being shy. I wondered what Paxil could do for me. Was a smoother, suaver Seth just 20 milligrams away? Skimming my insurance company's list, I found a nearby general practitioner and made an appointment.
I. The Transformation He lists Paxil's side effects—headache, nausea, tremor, etc. "The most universal side effect," he says, "is delayed orgasm. For some people, that's a good thing." I nod. He explains a little about the drug itself (it's a Prozac-type antidepressant that later got approved for social anxiety treatment) but concludes, "No matter what anyone says, we basically have no clue how this works." And that's that. He writes out the prescription, for 20 milligrams a day. "If you'd like, we've got some counselors upstairs you can talk to, but it sounds like you just want the drug," he says, and hands over the slip. "It could take a couple of weeks to kick in. Be patient." I walk around the corner to CVS. Boom: Fifteen minutes with a doctor, $15 at the pharmacy, and I've scored a month's supply of a powerful, mood-altering substance. Back home, I pop my first pill and wait. Day 2: I'm lying on the couch, wrapped in a blanket, staring at the wall. My head is buzzing. My eyes won't focus. My stomach hurts and I'm shaking. I feel like a slo-mo version of Dr. Jeckyll's violent transformation. I do not feel outgoing. Day 3: Ditto. Day 4: No longer confined to the couch, but head still buzzing. Feeling totally detached from my surroundings. There's a constant lump in my throat (apparently a common side effect), and the shaking is getting worse. Eating cereal, I spill milk from the spoon before it reaches my mouth. When the doc said tremor, I thought it could be cool—give me a little Katharine Hepburn style. Turns out tremors are not so cool. Day 8: Delayed orgasm, beyond a reasonable point, is not a good thing. I will say nothing further about this. Day 11: Side effects have mostly faded out, save for the orgasm thing, which is in for the long haul. I'm not seeing any personality changes, though. At a party a few nights ago (among good friends, so not a worthy testing ground), I did notice one thing: After a few drinks, I began to discourse freely on my Paxil experience. Generally, talking about myself, even with close friends, is my least favorite thing to do (writing about myself is clearly a different [2,000-word] story). So this was odd. But was it the Paxil? The alcohol? Or just that, for a change, I had something to talk about? II. The Unexamined Life Day 25: A pattern is emerging. Since starting on Paxil, I've been drinking like a fish. For some reason, vitamin P combines incredibly well with alcohol. It's more fun to drink than it was before. I want to be drunk every night. I don't get hung over now, and I remain pretty lucid even when sloshed. Day 27: Paxil is messing with my livelihood. I'm still not getting any work done. Could it be Paxil's antidepressant effects? Perhaps I'm too content to be motivated. Do I require bile and unhappiness to write? I could clearly go the rest of my life on this stuff and never feel down again. Another scary part: Before Paxil, while working on stories, turns of phrase would pop into my head, fully formed. Lying awake at night, or riding on the subway, poof—a neat arrangement of words would appear from nowhere. And would often show up in the article. It's part of what makes writing fun and surprising. On Paxil, it's gone. The words just aren't coming. Also, the last few days I've considered cutting down on free-lancing and getting a regular job—consulting or something. Previously, I couldn't imagine a job like this. Regular hours and no creative outlet sounded like a nightmare. All wrong for me. But now, stability, routine, and boredom sounds A-OK. Pleasant, even. An easy way to make a buck and just live my life. Day 29: A literati book party. My first real test, and it's basically a failure. Upon meeting a gaggle of strangers, I still sprout flop sweat all over my torso, just like before. I still can't introduce myself to people I'd like to meet. I still don't know how to talk in big groups. But then something magical happens. After deciding Paxil is worthless and downing three glasses of wine, I find I want to talk to people. No, it wasn't the alcohol. I drink at parties all the time—and go from standing alone in the corner to standing drunk and alone in the corner. This time, I'm craving conversation. In fact, I want to talk about myself. And in the midst of a lively monologue delivered to a group of four people (previously unimaginable for me), I recognize the feeling: It's like being on ecstasy! Relaxed, exceedingly comfortable with strangers, completely open. It makes some sense—both drugs noodle with your serotonin. Paxil, like Prozac and Zoloft, is a selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor. SSRIs block reabsorption of serotonin—a neurotransmitter—by your nerve endings, boosting serotonin levels in your brain. Ecstasy tweaks up your serotonin, too. But instead of paying $20 for a night on E, I paid $15 for a month on P. The catch: I seem to require alcohol as a trigger. Not sure why, and I doubt my doc could explain it. Day 35: Drinking a lot, several nights a week. Liquor + Paxil = Wow!
And it's so much better than sobriety. Sober for me these days means extreme detachment. Movies, once a favorite hobby, do nothing for me now. Likewise books—I just don't connect with the plots or characters. I can't recall laughing (while sober) in the past couple of weeks. I'm never sad, but never happy. Why wouldn't I drink? Day 38: I spent the first semester of my freshman year of college in a haze. During the Southern California evenings, I often played tennis, pulling bong hits between games. I distilled homemade rum in my dorm room, using Sterno cans and plastic tubing. My roommate grew six ounces of weed in our closet. It was more fun than I'd ever had in my life. The day after I got home for Christmas break, I decided to transfer. It occurs to me that the past month has been a bit like that semester. I'm living the unexamined life. It's fantastic. I'm about ready to transfer. Day 45: I stop my treatment. I had planned elaborate tests for myself—crashing formal parties, giving a dinner toast to a full restaurant, singing jazz standards in subway stations—but I decide these will prove nothing. Also, my lack of engagement with life is freaking out my girlfriend. And my seismic personality shift when drunk is freaking out me. My day-to-day, sober interactions with people are unchanged by Paxil. A crisis along the lines of a public speaking engagement would still send sweat coursing down my spine (unless I downed a few scotch-and-sodas first). As best I can tell, Paxil works by creating massive detachment from your own emotions. If your social anxiety verges on looniness, detachment from those emotions is a good thing. For me, a milder case, hard-core detachment is just spooky. So, no more pills. III. The Withdrawal Day 47: Cannot get out of bed. Pounding headache. Extreme intestinal unhappiness. Dizzy all day. Day 48: More of the same. I'm exhibiting classic withdrawal, which I've read about on some anti-Paxil Web sites. The dizziness and lightheadedness are overwhelming and far scarier than mere stomach distress. I leave the house but have to sit down every 10 minutes for fear of keeling over. Day 49: Not much better. I can't describe how awful it is to be lightheaded for 72 straight hours. I try to lift my blood sugar by eating, but it makes no difference. Nothing helps. More alarmingly, the dreaded "zaps" have arrived. I'd read about these on the Paxil Database, a site for self-proclaimed Paxil victims, but I thought they were made up—there are so many hypochondriacs on the Web. Turns out the zaps are for real. They're hard to describe. Imagine low level electrical shocks all over your head, as though someone removed the top of your skull and dragged a staticky blanket across your brain. Zaps come in waves that last about 15 minutes then go away for a few hours. They do not hurt but are unnerving, to say the least. Day 50: Zap waves all day. Have now been dizzy and burping for four days. Day 51: Intestines happier. Dizziness comes and goes. Zaps still there. Day 52: It's mercifully over. But a new phenomenon has taken hold. When I get teary-eyed watching a horrid chick-flick on a cross-country flight, I recognize it: feelings. On Paxil, I barely noticed they were gone. Now that they're back, even overcompensating, I never want to lose them again. Bitterness, anger, jealousy, sadness: They all make me happy. IV. Epilogue At the same time, I admit it was fascinating to try out a different personality. He only came out when I drank, but I caught a glimpse of an alternate me, and he wasn't such a bad guy—if a little gabby. I think I gained some empathy for other types of folk, and maybe got an idea of how alcohol can mean different things to different people. I also sort of discovered what emotions are for and decided being shy isn't so bad after all. Thanks, Paxil!Contin
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there is a growing epidemic in the cyberworld. a scourge which causes more suffering with each passing day. as blogging has exploded and, under the stewardship of the veterans, the form has matured more and more bloggers are finding themselves disillusioned, dissatisfied, taking long breaks, and in many cases simply closing up shop. this debilitating scourge ebbs and flows but there is hardly a blogger among us who has not felt it’s dark touch. we’re speaking, of course, about blog depression. 
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